My major

My major is engineering physics. I've come to hate it for a lot of reasons. Right now I'm doing some physics homework... math methods. 400-level. I hate it because I don't think I'm ever going to use it, and I don't care about it. I'm a bad student. I'm smart, but that's the only thing that's kept me going. For example, yesterday I should have been doing homework basically all day. I completed MABYE an hour's worth of work, all day? Starting this blog didn't help.

And I can't even say that I don't have any motivation, I mean I need to do my work to graduate, and I need to graduate so that I can support my wife and we can move so that she can attend nursing school. Shouldn't that be good enough motivation? My wife helps me plan my time, because she's good at that, yet I can't even stick to her guidelines.

Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want to do anymore. I wanted to be an engineer, but I don't know how exciting that's really going to be. I went on an engineering internship for 6 months, and it was OK, but not very... fulfilling. I should pursue my passions, right? What are my passions? I love good beer. I love metal music. I kind of like writing, but I'm not that creative. I love the outdoors, though I hardly spend any time outdoors. What kind of work can I do that relates to those things? Should I really consider switching my academic focus? This is my senior year.

While it's tempting to switch my major to something I find more interesting, I just don't know how I can justify it in my marriage. My wife wants to go to a 3 year nursing program 70 miles away. I don't want to be that far apart for that long; we already did it for part of my internship, not to mention the 9 months we spent apart before we got married when I was in Europe. At the same time, am I making a huge mistake in not figuring out what my passion is, and diving into it?

Man, I have so much work to do in the next few days. Presentations, assignments, a paper, etc... I just want to escape it. I think I'm an escapist. I don't often get drunk, but right now I'd rather throw back several pints of delicious microbrew than be thinking about all this stuff. I tried weed for the first time a week or two ago, for about 4 days in a row? I had a bit of a bad experience, and haven't had much free time since then, so I haven't done it anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not awesome enough to become a habit, I know. It's nice not to have a hangover or lose all my judgment though. Sometimes I think I'm habit-proof. I just lose interest in things after a while... for as long as a month or two, I'll think "hey this hobby/game/interest/consumable/sport/lifestyle is the best, I want to do it forever!" and I just quit after a while. The only things that have really stuck with me over the years are my love for metal music, and for enjoying craft beer. I mean, those are the only physical/outward things... unless you want to count nail biting, social habits (insecurity/lust/whatever else), etc.

I want to let you know that I'm not fat. I am 5'9" and 175 lbs. I had a congenital heart problem and never learned to enjoy exercise. I had corrective surgery when I was 15, they switched my aortic and pulmonary valves. I was maybe the 15th person in the USA to have that procedure done.

More to come soon... I should get back to my work. Shouldn't I? Or am I just wasting my fucking time? What am I doing?

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