What do I think about animals? Do they have rights? They have certain rights, some of them. Now that I don't really believe that God created humans to be different from animals, what difference should I see? Clearly we're much more intelligent. People might say "you don't really know that for sure-" well, it's kind of obvious. No other creature communicates with any kind of language or creates any kind of technology to speak of.
Do animals deserve the same rights as humans? I doubt it, because where would you draw the line? Sure, you can imagine a monkey or maybe a dog having human-level rights -- but what about a squirrel or a caterpillar, or an ant? OK, so then maybe in a quest for equality you would say that none of us have any "rights", seriously all we are is groups of molecules that disintegrate when we die.
But if that is the case, then why not just assume privilege over the animals anyway, if it's not going to matter in the end, and it seems like the best thing to do right now?
Should we eat animals? I say yes. Look, we work well as omnivores. We get nutrients from meat. If you're an evolutionist you should definitely believe in eating animals, because food chains are a natural thing, and all we are is another animal in the food chain.
I believe in animal testing, because it's better than testing risky products on humans.
In the end you can't treat everything the same. Some animals get a higher worth than others. Similarly, when I stopped being a Christian I realized it was nice to be free to think, hey, if this guy acts like a total dick, maybe he simply is a total dick, and I never have to like him.
No real structure here at all. That probably won't happen too often. I need to get to bed, though.
-0
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Concept 1
Tonight I will introduce you to one of the concepts that led to the loss of my faith.
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make a very coherent story of my life. I'm probably just going to post shorter thoughts, which together make up the larger theme of me. That's the idea of a blog, right?
I also want to clarify that this is not going to be a "oh pity me, my life is so sad" kind of blog. Don't worry. I know it was going there on my last post. I apologize. I'll apologize this time, but now I'm done apologizing for it.
The basic premise is this: as a Christian, you're taught that Christianity is truth, and everything else is darkness. "Obviously", you might say. Well, what I'm saying is that I was convinced that Christianity was the "default" religion. If there is a God, it is the Christian God. If you want to seek truth, you go to him. Furthermore, every human knows this, innately! It's a universal default. If you are something other than a Christian, you haven't really chosen something else, you've rejected Christianity and its God, and that is how you are defined. Therefore, it is fair to send every non-Christian in the world to Hell, because they knew the truth, and rejected it.
What I started to realize was that I basically only believed that way because it was brainwashed into me growing up. I went to Sunday school, where you are told, it IS this way. It's a fact. A child's mind is very malleable; I remember that if my mom or dad told me something, it was truth. Bob Dole WAS better than Bill Clinton, end of story, my parents told me so. Evolution was a hoax, my uncle told me so. So, of course this religion was close to my heart and embedded in my thoughts, and I believed it was the universal default.
(Now I wish to make the distinction that my whole faith wasn't based on this brainwashing. No, I chose to pursue it for myself once I came of age. I thought about it and I decided it was my own. I learned about it for myself and pursued this "relationship" with God. It was my whole life. I would have taken a bullet rather than deny it, because the concept of heaven was so real to me that I viewed my life on Earth as just one blink compared to eternity in heaven. I wanted to be a missionary in China or N Korea or Southeast Asia or...)
Anyway, I started to think about this question: what if I had been born in Saudi Arabia? Or, China? Or, India? To Muslim, or atheist, or Hindu parents? My reality and defaults would have been totally different. The conclusion that you have to trust in Jesus to get to heaven would have seemed totally absurd. Maybe I never would have heard of him. I could have been a dedicated Muslim, maybe even a suicide bomber. I understand that kind of zeal.
That's why Christians feel (in theory) that missions work is so important... if people aren't exposed to Jesus's story, they're going to Hell. It just doesn't make any sense to me. No amount of Bible reading and sermons and lectures could cause this to make sense to me. Why would God create a race where we're automatically going to Hell unless we get saved? Why would he base an eternity of blessing or punishment on the actions we take in a few years here, when we don't all have the same opportunity to hear about him? Why would we all inherit a sinful nature just because Adam and Eve sinned? Why did he even let them fall away from him?
The standard response is, "God let mankind have a choice because he loved us. We had to have the choice to follow him or not, otherwise we'd be like mindless robots serving him, and that's not real freedom and love." Well, if God made the universe, and love, then why did he have to give mankind that choice? Was he bound by the rules of love, before he created love?
What do you think is the "saved" rate all throughout the history of humanity? 5%? Why would God see any beauty or justice in creating a world where 95% of people will not know him, and then be condemned to torture forever?
I am tired of hearing from Christians who "know" that their way is correct. Bullshit, you don't know it. You "know" it the same way that militant Muslims "know" that they must carry out jihad. Do you think they believe it any less than you believe what you do? Lots of people have the illusion of absolute knowledge. I'm not one of them.
What has become apparent to me is that "default" or "neutral" is simply to have no faith in any god or religion. Isn't it just obvious? Christians would have me believe that believing in no god is not neutral, but a choice against the true God, a rejection of truth. Look, the day that God wants to actually do something that evidences his existence, I will be more than happy to reconsider. And according to everything I believed, God is constantly working in my heart to draw me to him, but I have NEVER felt it, even when begging and crying for him on my knees in a ditch. Until then, what reason should I have for believing in it? All I have to go off is my own experience. Every religion has its strong believers, its holy books, its geographical region of majority, so I don't find those things to be very convincing factors.
This post is long, and rough, but I'm not sorry. If you can't read it all, that's your problem. You should try to understand what I'm saying, because it's important. Thanks for taking the time to listen to me; I look forward to hearing from you.
-0
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make a very coherent story of my life. I'm probably just going to post shorter thoughts, which together make up the larger theme of me. That's the idea of a blog, right?
I also want to clarify that this is not going to be a "oh pity me, my life is so sad" kind of blog. Don't worry. I know it was going there on my last post. I apologize. I'll apologize this time, but now I'm done apologizing for it.
The basic premise is this: as a Christian, you're taught that Christianity is truth, and everything else is darkness. "Obviously", you might say. Well, what I'm saying is that I was convinced that Christianity was the "default" religion. If there is a God, it is the Christian God. If you want to seek truth, you go to him. Furthermore, every human knows this, innately! It's a universal default. If you are something other than a Christian, you haven't really chosen something else, you've rejected Christianity and its God, and that is how you are defined. Therefore, it is fair to send every non-Christian in the world to Hell, because they knew the truth, and rejected it.
What I started to realize was that I basically only believed that way because it was brainwashed into me growing up. I went to Sunday school, where you are told, it IS this way. It's a fact. A child's mind is very malleable; I remember that if my mom or dad told me something, it was truth. Bob Dole WAS better than Bill Clinton, end of story, my parents told me so. Evolution was a hoax, my uncle told me so. So, of course this religion was close to my heart and embedded in my thoughts, and I believed it was the universal default.
(Now I wish to make the distinction that my whole faith wasn't based on this brainwashing. No, I chose to pursue it for myself once I came of age. I thought about it and I decided it was my own. I learned about it for myself and pursued this "relationship" with God. It was my whole life. I would have taken a bullet rather than deny it, because the concept of heaven was so real to me that I viewed my life on Earth as just one blink compared to eternity in heaven. I wanted to be a missionary in China or N Korea or Southeast Asia or...)
Anyway, I started to think about this question: what if I had been born in Saudi Arabia? Or, China? Or, India? To Muslim, or atheist, or Hindu parents? My reality and defaults would have been totally different. The conclusion that you have to trust in Jesus to get to heaven would have seemed totally absurd. Maybe I never would have heard of him. I could have been a dedicated Muslim, maybe even a suicide bomber. I understand that kind of zeal.
That's why Christians feel (in theory) that missions work is so important... if people aren't exposed to Jesus's story, they're going to Hell. It just doesn't make any sense to me. No amount of Bible reading and sermons and lectures could cause this to make sense to me. Why would God create a race where we're automatically going to Hell unless we get saved? Why would he base an eternity of blessing or punishment on the actions we take in a few years here, when we don't all have the same opportunity to hear about him? Why would we all inherit a sinful nature just because Adam and Eve sinned? Why did he even let them fall away from him?
The standard response is, "God let mankind have a choice because he loved us. We had to have the choice to follow him or not, otherwise we'd be like mindless robots serving him, and that's not real freedom and love." Well, if God made the universe, and love, then why did he have to give mankind that choice? Was he bound by the rules of love, before he created love?
What do you think is the "saved" rate all throughout the history of humanity? 5%? Why would God see any beauty or justice in creating a world where 95% of people will not know him, and then be condemned to torture forever?
I am tired of hearing from Christians who "know" that their way is correct. Bullshit, you don't know it. You "know" it the same way that militant Muslims "know" that they must carry out jihad. Do you think they believe it any less than you believe what you do? Lots of people have the illusion of absolute knowledge. I'm not one of them.
What has become apparent to me is that "default" or "neutral" is simply to have no faith in any god or religion. Isn't it just obvious? Christians would have me believe that believing in no god is not neutral, but a choice against the true God, a rejection of truth. Look, the day that God wants to actually do something that evidences his existence, I will be more than happy to reconsider. And according to everything I believed, God is constantly working in my heart to draw me to him, but I have NEVER felt it, even when begging and crying for him on my knees in a ditch. Until then, what reason should I have for believing in it? All I have to go off is my own experience. Every religion has its strong believers, its holy books, its geographical region of majority, so I don't find those things to be very convincing factors.
This post is long, and rough, but I'm not sorry. If you can't read it all, that's your problem. You should try to understand what I'm saying, because it's important. Thanks for taking the time to listen to me; I look forward to hearing from you.
-0
My major
My major is engineering physics. I've come to hate it for a lot of reasons. Right now I'm doing some physics homework... math methods. 400-level. I hate it because I don't think I'm ever going to use it, and I don't care about it. I'm a bad student. I'm smart, but that's the only thing that's kept me going. For example, yesterday I should have been doing homework basically all day. I completed MABYE an hour's worth of work, all day? Starting this blog didn't help.
And I can't even say that I don't have any motivation, I mean I need to do my work to graduate, and I need to graduate so that I can support my wife and we can move so that she can attend nursing school. Shouldn't that be good enough motivation? My wife helps me plan my time, because she's good at that, yet I can't even stick to her guidelines.
Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want to do anymore. I wanted to be an engineer, but I don't know how exciting that's really going to be. I went on an engineering internship for 6 months, and it was OK, but not very... fulfilling. I should pursue my passions, right? What are my passions? I love good beer. I love metal music. I kind of like writing, but I'm not that creative. I love the outdoors, though I hardly spend any time outdoors. What kind of work can I do that relates to those things? Should I really consider switching my academic focus? This is my senior year.
While it's tempting to switch my major to something I find more interesting, I just don't know how I can justify it in my marriage. My wife wants to go to a 3 year nursing program 70 miles away. I don't want to be that far apart for that long; we already did it for part of my internship, not to mention the 9 months we spent apart before we got married when I was in Europe. At the same time, am I making a huge mistake in not figuring out what my passion is, and diving into it?
Man, I have so much work to do in the next few days. Presentations, assignments, a paper, etc... I just want to escape it. I think I'm an escapist. I don't often get drunk, but right now I'd rather throw back several pints of delicious microbrew than be thinking about all this stuff. I tried weed for the first time a week or two ago, for about 4 days in a row? I had a bit of a bad experience, and haven't had much free time since then, so I haven't done it anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not awesome enough to become a habit, I know. It's nice not to have a hangover or lose all my judgment though. Sometimes I think I'm habit-proof. I just lose interest in things after a while... for as long as a month or two, I'll think "hey this hobby/game/interest/consumable/sport/lifestyle is the best, I want to do it forever!" and I just quit after a while. The only things that have really stuck with me over the years are my love for metal music, and for enjoying craft beer. I mean, those are the only physical/outward things... unless you want to count nail biting, social habits (insecurity/lust/whatever else), etc.
I want to let you know that I'm not fat. I am 5'9" and 175 lbs. I had a congenital heart problem and never learned to enjoy exercise. I had corrective surgery when I was 15, they switched my aortic and pulmonary valves. I was maybe the 15th person in the USA to have that procedure done.
More to come soon... I should get back to my work. Shouldn't I? Or am I just wasting my fucking time? What am I doing?
-0
And I can't even say that I don't have any motivation, I mean I need to do my work to graduate, and I need to graduate so that I can support my wife and we can move so that she can attend nursing school. Shouldn't that be good enough motivation? My wife helps me plan my time, because she's good at that, yet I can't even stick to her guidelines.
Part of the problem is that I don't know what I want to do anymore. I wanted to be an engineer, but I don't know how exciting that's really going to be. I went on an engineering internship for 6 months, and it was OK, but not very... fulfilling. I should pursue my passions, right? What are my passions? I love good beer. I love metal music. I kind of like writing, but I'm not that creative. I love the outdoors, though I hardly spend any time outdoors. What kind of work can I do that relates to those things? Should I really consider switching my academic focus? This is my senior year.
While it's tempting to switch my major to something I find more interesting, I just don't know how I can justify it in my marriage. My wife wants to go to a 3 year nursing program 70 miles away. I don't want to be that far apart for that long; we already did it for part of my internship, not to mention the 9 months we spent apart before we got married when I was in Europe. At the same time, am I making a huge mistake in not figuring out what my passion is, and diving into it?
Man, I have so much work to do in the next few days. Presentations, assignments, a paper, etc... I just want to escape it. I think I'm an escapist. I don't often get drunk, but right now I'd rather throw back several pints of delicious microbrew than be thinking about all this stuff. I tried weed for the first time a week or two ago, for about 4 days in a row? I had a bit of a bad experience, and haven't had much free time since then, so I haven't done it anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not awesome enough to become a habit, I know. It's nice not to have a hangover or lose all my judgment though. Sometimes I think I'm habit-proof. I just lose interest in things after a while... for as long as a month or two, I'll think "hey this hobby/game/interest/consumable/sport/lifestyle is the best, I want to do it forever!" and I just quit after a while. The only things that have really stuck with me over the years are my love for metal music, and for enjoying craft beer. I mean, those are the only physical/outward things... unless you want to count nail biting, social habits (insecurity/lust/whatever else), etc.
I want to let you know that I'm not fat. I am 5'9" and 175 lbs. I had a congenital heart problem and never learned to enjoy exercise. I had corrective surgery when I was 15, they switched my aortic and pulmonary valves. I was maybe the 15th person in the USA to have that procedure done.
More to come soon... I should get back to my work. Shouldn't I? Or am I just wasting my fucking time? What am I doing?
-0
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Hello world
Well, to start my blog with total honesty, I should tell you that I just had to reference Wikipedia to know if there was a comma in the standard "Hello world" or not. Should I have known that there was no comma? Maybe, but then how many people know about "Hello world" anyway? I'm already among the few who know what I'm talking about.
I started this blog tonight because there are too many things going on in my mind that I can't really talk to anyone about. Sure, my wife is willing to listen to me, and I might have a friend or two who I'd feel comfortable sharing this with, but it's damn hard to communicate exactly what's going on in my mind. It just takes too long and I don't really feel that safe. One option would be to write this stuff down in some kind of diary. Well, I want people to see it. I'm not brave and secure enough yet to attach my real name to my writing, but it might happen someday. I want your feedback. I want to know what kind of a person I've become and what this means for my future life, and I want to be OK with it.
So, here's the short story. The long story is pretty long. The short story is that I was a hardcore, dedicated, sincere, passionate Christian for the first 20 years of my life. I didn't want to give away my age, but I guess it's necessary; I'm 22. There was kind of a fading-out time sometime between the years of 19-21, where I questioned my faith more and more, and doubted it increasingly. Finally in May of 2009, when I was 21, I sent an email to my parents and wife explaining that I couldn't believe in God anymore. Since then things haven't changed a lot in most ways. A few things are pretty different. What I hope to explore here are the inner workings of what happened to me, and what my decision means for me now.
I have to laugh at myself a little bit; this whole "anonymous blogger" and "honest thoughts of one mind" and "My real self" business makes me look like some kind of emo girl. I hate that idea. Well, who cares? It is what it is.
Anyway, I hope you find my posts entertaining, reasonable, and sincere. I would love to hear from you, no matter what you have to say to me. My aim is to be as open about my state as possible. It might get a bit graphic at times, because in some ways I'm an eccentric fucker. Do you know how weird it feels to say "fucker"? Well, I'm going to do it, because it's my blog, and I can, and I felt like it.
Upon further review, it looks like sometimes there is a comma in "Hello world", and sometimes there isn't. Among other variations. That's natural. Usually there is no easy answer to a question. Usually if there are 2 popular, polarized views on a topic, the truth is somewhere in the middle, or the truth is not provable. Just look at Republican/conservative vs. Democrat/liberal, global warming, religion vs. atheism, etc. People love to just dive into one popular stance, immerse their thinking in that line of thought, never consider any facts, and spew out their brainwashed opinions so loudly that they can't hear anyone else. It's total bullshit. If it were really so cut and dry, everyone would be on that side, or at least a vast majority. Expect that to be a major theme in my blog, because it's important to me.
Well, what do I sign my posts? Perhaps I don't need to sign them. I feel like I should sign them. I am going to sign them "-0" (that's a hyphen and a zero) because zero is my favorite number, and it represents pretty well my inclination toward neutrality. How can you be any more neutral than 0? It's the balancing point between the two infinities. The only number of its type.
-0
I started this blog tonight because there are too many things going on in my mind that I can't really talk to anyone about. Sure, my wife is willing to listen to me, and I might have a friend or two who I'd feel comfortable sharing this with, but it's damn hard to communicate exactly what's going on in my mind. It just takes too long and I don't really feel that safe. One option would be to write this stuff down in some kind of diary. Well, I want people to see it. I'm not brave and secure enough yet to attach my real name to my writing, but it might happen someday. I want your feedback. I want to know what kind of a person I've become and what this means for my future life, and I want to be OK with it.
So, here's the short story. The long story is pretty long. The short story is that I was a hardcore, dedicated, sincere, passionate Christian for the first 20 years of my life. I didn't want to give away my age, but I guess it's necessary; I'm 22. There was kind of a fading-out time sometime between the years of 19-21, where I questioned my faith more and more, and doubted it increasingly. Finally in May of 2009, when I was 21, I sent an email to my parents and wife explaining that I couldn't believe in God anymore. Since then things haven't changed a lot in most ways. A few things are pretty different. What I hope to explore here are the inner workings of what happened to me, and what my decision means for me now.
I have to laugh at myself a little bit; this whole "anonymous blogger" and "honest thoughts of one mind" and "My real self" business makes me look like some kind of emo girl. I hate that idea. Well, who cares? It is what it is.
Anyway, I hope you find my posts entertaining, reasonable, and sincere. I would love to hear from you, no matter what you have to say to me. My aim is to be as open about my state as possible. It might get a bit graphic at times, because in some ways I'm an eccentric fucker. Do you know how weird it feels to say "fucker"? Well, I'm going to do it, because it's my blog, and I can, and I felt like it.
Upon further review, it looks like sometimes there is a comma in "Hello world", and sometimes there isn't. Among other variations. That's natural. Usually there is no easy answer to a question. Usually if there are 2 popular, polarized views on a topic, the truth is somewhere in the middle, or the truth is not provable. Just look at Republican/conservative vs. Democrat/liberal, global warming, religion vs. atheism, etc. People love to just dive into one popular stance, immerse their thinking in that line of thought, never consider any facts, and spew out their brainwashed opinions so loudly that they can't hear anyone else. It's total bullshit. If it were really so cut and dry, everyone would be on that side, or at least a vast majority. Expect that to be a major theme in my blog, because it's important to me.
Well, what do I sign my posts? Perhaps I don't need to sign them. I feel like I should sign them. I am going to sign them "-0" (that's a hyphen and a zero) because zero is my favorite number, and it represents pretty well my inclination toward neutrality. How can you be any more neutral than 0? It's the balancing point between the two infinities. The only number of its type.
-0
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